it'll be ok...i'll be fine.
it usually goes away after a while, just dont dwell upon it...

you know what, sometimes i just really really wanna go to heaven right now and get out of this dreaded world...
but the fact that im still here means that there's still things left for me to do.

but sometimes it really hurts...
i wish i could take things more lightly

so what if they're not talking to me
so what if they're ignoring me
so what if they're excluding me in their hanging out sessions
so what if they're totally not interested in getting to know me

so what if i feel extremely boring and uninteresting to the whole world and nobody cares

i guess i'd rather be myself than force myself to be someone else that im not

we're aliens in this world anyways...

seriously, that car of mine's gonna give me a heart attack someday.

if it hasn't already shortened my life span by like, 10 years with all that stress its been giving me...

every red light, every stop sign, i freak out with the engine sounding like its gonna die on me once again and leave me stranded in the middle of the road with cars honking at me and not being able to move. then i wont be able to go anywhere and the car's left there and im scared.

it's even scarier now that daddy and mummy's not around...i have no one to call for help, except God. man do i ever pray when i get in that car...

i guess my faith is weak...but i dont know. i dont feel secured even though i shld. coz i feel like the car's gonna fail me.

my worse nightmare's not being to get to my interview this saturday coz of it...i dont dare to really go anywhere far now. at least not until daddy and mummy gets back...

God please please please...help me get through the rest of this week and keep my car going...i dont know how much i can take.

you know what, i really think i shld start looking for another job.
on top of japan of coz...just in case that falls through.
man...ive been settling comfortably in my situation that i havent really thought of what else to do.
just need to stop worrying about money matters and find a way out.
IM A BUSINESS GRADUATE MAN!
i cant just settle for a $9/hr job that doesnt even require any education!
but my main purpose for wanting another job's for the pay...
i need money so bad...

OK ZOOM OUT
stop pin pointing at my problems...
it'll be all ok, i'll find a solution i'll live
and God's here for me right?

soooooo...this is random but my nose really hurts coz there's two pimples on it lol
actually one of them's IN my nostrail which made it swell up and hurts everytime i move my nose -.-"""
then the other one's planted right at the tip of my nose so now its red and im starting to look like rudolf...
GAAAA what happened to pimples only happening to you during your adolescence?
and some ppl dont even ever get pimples while ive been stuck with them since i was 14...
boo to bad skin :(
i wish i could go out without makeup and cover-up and never have to worry about all those blemishes on my face...
oh wells, at least i dont have skin problems and such.
maybe i shld just go get a more expensive/branded facial cleanser.



hmm ok end of rant im going to sleep now.



i wonder if my pimples were caused by my lack of sleep and horrible sleeping pattern.
(ie put all the blame on starbucks and their 5:30am shifts)


on another note, i guess i shld be thankful that at least one of them's inside my nose so nobody can see it lol

Happy Birthday Daddy!!! :)

i feel like its been a while since i've actually done anything for him, besides going shopping for a tie or a sweater or anything of that sort.
not that those dont take any "sum si" but i dunno...sometimes i feel like it doesnt really mean much to him.
finally this year i got the chance to go buy a cake and make a snack hamper (my own personalized one!) for him :D
i dont think it made any difference to him that he got snacks instead of something useful but i think he was happy he got a cake so i'm glad i got it haha
daddy can be so cute :P

yeah somehow i got a feeling that i have to do something more this year and make good use of the chance that i'm here.
esp when my parents were one of the main reasons for me moving down
i want to make a difference...
and not have it feel like im just here for the free rent and food

but really, i dont even know how long i'll be around in calgary for...
even though im not even done my application for jet and interac
somehow i feel like i shld make full use of my time here
living as if it were my last

man my future is just as foggy as anything can be
i guess right now im just open to anything
but im also scared that im not doing enough to seek out what i shld be doing
shld i really just be throwing away my education like this by not pursuing acctg any longer?
but i dont even know what i can do now that i didnt get any offers...
sometimes, i wish God can just tell me...and all i need to do is go pursue it
actually not just sometimes, i wish He could tell me what to do all the time.
but that takes away free will from the equation doesnt it?
or did He already told me but im not listening?
what if He already said do acctg and im not trying hard enough?
sighhhhh

this afternoon, or shld i say lately as well, ive been feeling rather down
lonely, left out, away from everyone
the "if only" scenarios playing in my head once again
if only i hadnt left singapore
i would be tighter with the friends i made in ij
i wouldnt be like the lone ranger i am now floating around still looking for a place to belong to
for friends who know and love me for the way i am
i'll have a "life"
all the things that canada took away from me
canadians are generally cold people, i find
coz seriously they dont really care about you
it takes so much effort to get to know them,
even then you're hardly regarded as a close friend
so easily forgotten
especially once you're out of sight

but this is the life that i've been entrusted with
the people i've been surrounded by
the circumstances that God has put me into
because He knows that i can take it
because He knows that it'll make me stronger
so i'm gonna stop all those self-pity parties of mine once again
and face this head on

COZ I AM BLESSED.
blessed beyond all i can ever know (YJNk!!!!!)
i have a family who loves me
i have friends in other parts of the world who cares
i have eggie
i have a job (even if its just starbucks)
i have a car (even if it's almost as old as me)
i have a roof to live under and food on my table everyday
i am more or less healthy (despite my flu right now)

so how much more blessed i am than so many ppl in other parts of this world!!!
hello eden its not all about you!!!!
broaded up your narrow mind and open your eyes
stop looking within and pitying yourself
and GIVE THANKS!

and i feel so much better already hahaha
thanks God :)

worse couple of days of my life...
nothing from the outside actually, its all coming from the inside...
and its eating me alive.
i know im putting a tad too much stress on this phone call,
but its this call from pwc that will determine what my future will be
because it promises so many things:
moving on, getting a car, getting involved in more things in calgary, meeting new friends, higher standing in society
i dont want it to be my main reason for wanting the job...but i know my focus has been on that
yet i know, deep within that it's up to God to decide
which is the main reason for my uneasiness...
because i dont know what God wants for my future
it seems easy if He just wanted me to be an accountant and i get the job
but if He closes this door...then what do i do?
like what DO you want me to do with my life God?
all these struggles within...
knowing that ultimately it really boils down to me having not enough faith in God
that what He has planned for me is the best
even if it's a dark road ahead and i dont know where to go
the uncertainty is probably what's killing me
i feel like all the stress that ive had in the summer worrying about my future has been squished into these few days
because i feel like this is the turning point in my life...
this is God's answer.
and He sure is taking His time in giving it to me
ive been talking to Him and praying so hard these few days
all these thoughts in my head
that sinking feeling in my stomach
Lord where do You want me to go?
give me the faith to stand firm in You.
2Corinthians 1:24
whatever happens, is for the best...
these few days of trial will strengthen me and i want to develop more faith as a result of it.
God help me trust in You...

i dont think its very nice when you put up a profile picture and cut ppl out of it.
as in, not that you cut out everyone else except yourself, but cut out a person so that it seems like a picture of just you and the remaining ppl

coz i remember taking a picture for this girl and 2 other girls and she was sitting in the middle
when she posted it as her profile picture, she deliberately cut off one of the girls so it looks like she just took a picture with the other girl
and i was like...whoa seriously, its not like that other girl wouldnt recognize that picture...dont you think its kinda mean?
or slightly offensive?

maybe im just sensitive...but anyways after that i didnt have too good of an impression of her.
well i never was super chummy with her in the first place but it just kinda made me not think too well of her

so yeah, then i just found this other dude who cut me off a picture and posted it as a profile pic
ok, firstly we're not even facebook friends, i just found him coz we've got a mutual friend and i was like, hey that's him...click
then i saw the picture and i was like...ok...
i guess yeah we're not close and we've only met twice and the picture was of when we took a group shot
but still you know?
i dont think i would do that...

i guess ive just taken offense to it but really i dont think its nice at all.

so ive come to the realization that im seriously getting older.

i'll be 23 this year and even though im still 22, i feel like i lived my 22nd year thinking that i'm already 23.
coz every time im being asked my age, i tend to emphasize on the fact that i'm turning 23 contrary to being fresh out of high school like what most ppl would think.
i guess i just like stressing on the fact that i look alot younger than my age hahaha

but yes...talking to clare yesterday made me realize that we really have reached adulthood.
im no longer the giggly awkward teenager from ij who's super bent on others' opinions of me
ok so maybe i still have some remainencse of that but a huge part of me has changed (kudos to God for that!)

and dude its been 7 years since i left...7 YEARS.

3 years more and it will be a decade.

i still remember the time when i was leaving singapore...the unspeakable pain and the sinking feeling in my stomach as i thought about leaving my ij friends and listening to Vitamin C's Graduation Friends Forever, theme song of my sec 4 life lol.
migrating seemed like the end of the world then, as excited as i was about it at first. and i thought i would die from loneliness as i went through one and a half years of high school in canada without friends...i never regained the kind of lifestyle i had in singapore, until japan that is, which is a totally different story altogether.

but somehow i got through it and here i am 7 years later, stronger in what i believe and who i am.

i've learnt so much.

and the biggest lesson is that life really is not about me, as the first line of Purpose Driven Life states.

it's about living my life for God and everything else, is secondary to that. everything i've gone through, good AND bad, was for the ultimate purpose of glorifying God.

sometimes it seems like Christians live in this little bubble of their own, oblivious to other feelings and always looking at the world from a totally different point of view (which many would also regard unrealistic and unrelatable) but i guess that's also why we are called aliens in this world. people will never truly be happy if they keep seeking to satisfy what the world tells them that they need and what their inner beings lust for. we need to look at the core, to dig deep into the root of our problem...our innermost desires is to be reconciled with God and all we really need is Him. thats what we were created for...and that's what Christians realize and one of our key differences from non-christians. but oh how patient God is with us...the numerous signs He keeps giving us to look to Him, the countless messages He sents our way, the things He does for us to win our favour.

this morning i took the train to work and as i was walking toward starbucks at around 6:50am, i noticed how dark the sky in front of me was and felt slightly disappointed as i was looking forward to seeing the sunrise since i was up so early. after walking for quite a distance, for some reason i had the urge to turn around and lo and behold, behind me was the most magnificent sight i've seen in a while. the sun was right there, rising, though still slightly hidden beneath the clouds, its rays shining from behind tainting the sky to shades of pink and orange and red. im not good at describing nature and i simply cant do it justice but it was just so breathtakingly beautiful.

and our lives are quite similar to this, i thought. we keep walking towards the darkness, so focused on our goal(s) but never turning around to see the beauty that God has bestowed upon us. He's reaching out to us, presenting us with His presents and His love but yet we keep walking away. not that He stops trying though...that's just how wonderful He is.

haha i wonder how i started talking about God when i was initially blogging about my age.
but i found that that's just the way ive been writing in my journal lately too...everything i write, every problem i had, every thought in my mind...somehow ends up bringing me back to Him :)

but well back to the age thing.
i found friends on facebook getting married, friends my year in ij.
and they're ppl in singapore...not ppl in canada where they get married at a younger age.
so thats when i realized that we've reached that stage of our lives where ppl are moving on to marriage...
college, graduation, work, marriage, kids.
i've achieved almost 3 out of those 5 now!
not that i have plans on getting married anytime soon though...i still feel too young for that (mentally at least hahaha)
but we move on to different parts of our lives and experience different things at different times.
life is cool and that's my conclusion.
esp when you know who's in control :)